It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Guilty!

PENSACOLA, Fla: In what has been termed by some the "Trial of the Century", a Federal jury today found an elderly woman guilty of causing the deaths of more than one billion Americans in a killing spree that lasted more than two hundred years, and which touched every state of the Union. The verdict was unanimous. Sophie Gaia, known to most as "Mother Nature", wept unconsolably as the verdict was read, but later recovered sufficiently to threaten Judge Fiona McFancy, with "dire vengeance" and "a lonely death, eaten by cats" as she was led away by bailiffs. Gaia, who now faces a likely death sentence herself, was heard to scream "I'll get you one day, Missy!" at the judge, who sat unfazed at the bench.

Prosecuting attorney Roy Moore, 73, speaking outside the courtroom to an often rowdy media, stated: "This is a great day for America. In delivering its verdict today the jury sent a strong message to all of those who consider themselves above the law: They are not! Today we reassert that which we hold dear: that every American, be he large or small, young or old, is possessed of an inalienable right to life. A right which Ms. Gaia - and her accomplice, God - has held in utter contempt since the dawn of time." When asked about the co-defendant, God, who manifestly failed to appear before the court, Moore responded "People across this great land are right-now looking for him everywhere. It is only a matter of time before somebody finds where he is hiding, and he is brought before this court." He went on to say "I promise you this: One day he will stand judged."

Meanwhile council for the defense, led by law professor Alan Dershowitz, spoke separately to waiting media. "My client has never denied her role in these killings," he said. She was, however, "entirely innocent" and "not at all responsible" for her actions. Dershowitz had argued that his client had acted "under the irresistable influence of her partner, God" and that it was he, not Gaia, who was true mastermind behind the killing spree. "Who could have resisted such terrible bullying?", he queried, "Not me. That's for sure as mustard!"

The stage is now set for Gaia's sentencing in September.