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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Rather Blather

I don't think I've ever watched a Dan Rather newscast? Certainly not all the way through. Broadcast television news in the United States is just awful, on so many different levels, that I rarely get past the first: the superficial, the fluffed-up phoniness of its anchors and reporters. All of them. Sure, sometimes they deal in serious topics - watched one the other week about little Bengali boys enslaved as camel jockeys by the Sheiks of Arabie - but the reporter, his demeanour, his whole play-it-for-tears insincerity, left me just gagging. Wrongly, too: for important subjects deserve serious treatment. Human treatment, not pantomime. There is one station - couldn't tell you which one, don't really care - has this nightly feature, "Around the World in Sixty Seconds"? In this they stoop to bring us news of the Great Outside, while the whole time there's a fucking countdown clock in the corner, each tick saying "only 33 more seconds of this shite to go, then we get back to Sports!" Do you remember reading Lileks that one time, hear him describe the voice of BBC reporters as "sneering"? God, but I miss that? Cable television news - the fyutchurrr, captin' - is worse still. You want sneering? You want snickering? Watch Fox. You want smug? You want conceited little pricks? Watch CNN too, watch Lou Dobbs, or Larry King - better still, swap back-and-forth between Fox and CNN at commercial breaks, if your remote can keep-up with the pace, catch a little Britt, or - what is that smarmy fart's name? Shep Smith, sumpthin? All of them painted thicker than an old french tart. You know why: half of them are so old the make-up stops their skin from peeling off their skulls. The rest of them disguised - they are the lizard people, the "Visitors" from "V", here to suck away our brains.

A pox on all their plooks.

Which is all to say, I don't give a fish's tit that Dan Rather is going to retire. Cheery bye, Dan. Don't let the door ya-di-ya yer arse on the way oot, innat?

Aah, but t'was the mighty Bloggers did for poor-old Dan, was it not? Those same, mighty "who, me?" paragons who'd never admit responsiblility for their own posts, nor the snidy posts they like to link to, heh, but jump like yappy wee dogs to claim the rights to this? Good kill, guys: high fucking five. Got that old bastard bang-to-rights. You've surely saved the Nation from catastrophe, and done us all a favor. Listen... Hear that? That's just the cackle of bitter old ladies, sipping cups o' tea round the vicar's table, pinkies raised like eyebrows, cold dead lips pursed for gossip. Bravo, ladies, for calling Account! to big Libruhl media, who owe us no more accountability than you, while ignoring the beam in the eye of your government. Who are accountable to no-one. CBS and ABC and NBC and all the rest, they ought to take a leaf out of your playbook: "it's our damned network, we can say what we want, just like you, and if you don't like that, well, start your own!" Fox did. Heck, the Jeebus channels did, and they have their own News! So can you.

Forgive me, dearies, if I keep my clappy hands in my pockets for now: I'm saving them for Jarvis, and for Marshall, whose targets are far more worthy opponents than yours.


IN OTHER NEWS, we report tonight that unregarded Los Angeles "blogger", Mr F.C. Bearded, has been granted permanent residency in our fine country, and is here for keeps. WE ASK, what was the Department of Homeland Security thinking? Who knew? Who authorized it? Whom did it benefit?

Set tongues on Stun, ladies...


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